DAY 171

Our breath collides in midair. This is when I begin to wind down. Backwards in retreat. Maybe I expect this to be too much for you. Maybe you don't want it to be. I am not here to simply deal. I constantly ask and then ask if my asking is asking too much. You believe you are constantly reminding me. I think I just continue to ask new questions. But there are no new answers. Do you wish I stop talking then? I DON'T CARE rings loud in my head. I can easily just let it go with a smile. But that is not fair. I cried hard tonight. Words are piercing tonight. It has not rained in days. Leaving the grocery store last night, I caught a glimpse of a moment, I almost thought it was Fall. I have to remind myself constantly of our season. Maybe this is a byproduct of work. Maybe this is a byproduct of location. Maybe this is a byproduct of distraction. I spent and hour and a half on the phone with my mama tonight. We discussed life and it's fragility. She dug up past wisdoms and reminded me to never go to bed angry. I asked her how she could've possibly put up with my father. Her first words were that he is one of the sweetest men on this earth. There doesn't seem to be much time for that in his life anymore. He recently told me he is not happy most of the time. But he is happy when he is helping people heal. I wish he learned how to heal himself sooner, then he might find time for happiness. I hope you learn before its too late and the grief is too hard to come back from. Faith might be your best attribute and your greatest downfall. Faith is vain without Love. I will pray tonight. I will pray for every family member one by one as I used to do when I was younger. Tonight I am not going to sleep angry, but my heart is heavy.