DAY 31

How quickly we forget our obsessions. Surprise me please. Please. She says it's like going into a corner of the room and looking down. I'm trying to rock myself backwards into a state just barely beyond. There's movement in there and it’s both thrilling and scary. Cultivating this skill is like trying to remember what the womb felt like. I remember my first nightmare. I was laying in my bassinet on a beach. It was dusk and I was alone. All I could hear were the waves; all I could see was a violent slate sky. Beating approached quickly and a group of men on horseback looking as if they had come from The Battle of Lodi picked up my bassinet and carried me off. I was scared and helpless. This was a reoccurring dream I feared as a child. I feared sleep because of it and stopped napping at age one. Some years later I realized it was not the sound of horses I would fear as I fell asleep, it was my own heartbeat. These days I fall asleep praying to be launched into an unknown corner. Please. Let’s do something new.

DAY 30

We must learn about reflection so that we are not shocked by what we see in others. I do not believe in luck. I believe in responsibility. It is easy for me to say these things sitting in my comfortable life. I'm learning routine can be calming. Sometimes we need life to soothe us while war breaks out in our mind. Things could be better, but fuck, things could be way worse. If the men in my life continue to have a way about them, I will continue to recommend they read "The Razor's Edge." No one is an expert. No one has been where they'll be in a year, a month, an hour or a minute. The beauty of this lies in the realization that we are all heading there together.Collectively. Juntos. My mother shared some insight from the world of a committed writer. She says, "your process is changing, you can't force it. Plus why would you want to be an expert at 26 at the thing you will be doing for the next 40 years." Pumping my breaks. Convincing myself not to quit absolutely everything. I believe that failure is pathetically relative. Where all my God's at? Juntos, juntos, juntos....

DAY 29

insensitivity to the fragility of an interaction. what a word means. how a tear feels. we must conquer our ego. if it's worth it, you make it happen. but not without losing sight of the trail you have left. there are people in your wake. please don't forget.