DAY 392

Is this the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning. Choice.

DAY 293

We wished we were stars. Then we would know exactly what we were. But instead we call ourselves flesh and scrape the surface searching for feeling. Today I thought maybe I know too much. I have been looking through drawers since I learned about secrets. My mom had a secret. I knew it was bad at nine. I didn't trust him. I looked through found things I should not know. My fate is the false success of this searching. Often I've found myself proved wrong by truth. I found the diamond earrings. Yes, I thought, "she hides them because they are from him and she wants to hide him from me". No, they were from grandmother. A birthday gift stowed away for my tenth birthday. When I peeled apart the wrapping, careful not to rip the paper, saving the ribbon for it's next use I learned about guilt. Just out of my grasp I fear something. But I have no reason to. I love you. I am letting go. It is a gift from me to you.

DAY 240

Whether whether here forever. Leave a light and see me better. I know knots to tie you here but love I know needs not be feared.

DAY 236

The passage of season blurs in my periphery. Nights cultivate enchantment. It is there that I can wander and marvel. I miss you as we sleep. Tonight you will sweat your sickness out while I dream of tomorrow. Curled in a shirt that has managed to carry your smell after at least a month.

DAY 226

Sometimes its as if every day is the same battle. I want for a letting go. In the moments when I am weakest I desperately wonder. A sunflower sits facing me. Humming plays behind me. My mother and I argued over chimeric today. A funny notion in retrospect. Darling lulls across my tongue languorously. I miss our ramble to the north west last fall. I also miss cigarettes. I watched Singles again recently. It made me miss the 90's I only knew peripherally. I miss you most because I will see you tomorrow. Tonight I am reading of a future routine. It all makes sense again. I love you.

DAY 222

I dreamt of a ceremony in the woods near the ocean. We gathered surrounded by our closest friends and family. There were no rows. There was no aisle. There was no stage. There was no sitting and there was no rising. Instead we walked together. Once we arrived in the grove of trees, we assembled on the concentric circular slatted platforms that our Fathers had built for the occasion. We all joined hands. You and I, our brothers and then our parents facing us. Surrounding us, our extended family and closest friends held hands forming a larger circle. It was the beginning of Indian Summer and the light swung high above dappling us with shadows. Our prayers were shared. Our Love expressed. The procession followed us to the water's edge where we released our hopes. After which we ate our dreams contained in the work of our Mother's hands. We sewed up our world so that no one else could penetrate it. The weight of it's importance was felt in those moments by all. I was calm and you were with me.

DAY 210

Drugs to consume and men to share with. One and the same today Love. Walking to speak with myself of images removed. I express a concern at once to bring them back in while allowing myself to step out. What a concept. The resolve came and I am here. From a man no less. Not The but A. We sang. It was that simple distraction that brought me back. Shhhh, I am here.